Show Me the Money!
March 2, 2012
You’ve connected online, through a friend, on the bus, in a bar, etc. etc. There were sparks, warm feelings, lusting…something that provided enough incentive to set up a first date! Maybe that first date will be at a coffee shop or a meal in a favorite restaurant, or something different, like a day at an amusement park. Wherever you decide to spend that first date, there will be the question of who should pay.
If you are like me, this seems like a question with a simple answer but I have recently learned that, as usual, the world is a diverse and complicated space with many different answers to that question.
Working vs Couch Surfing
What happens when one of you has a steady income and the other is not in the same place with money–maybe working part-time, in school, or completely out of work–how do you manage the money for a first date? Money can be a contentious topic in long-term, strong relationships and a difficult path to navigate when you first start out. I will always advocate for honesty, so if you find yourself in a situation where the other person wants to spend the first date at a five-star restaurant and you do not feel comfortable with how much that will cost, it is important to communicate your discomfort at the beginning. It will be difficult to enjoy yourself if the whole time you are stressing about the cost. There are many activities you could do on a first date that are free or low-cost.
If one of you really wants to spend the money for both of you to go to the movies, concert, dinner, drinks, amusement park, or skydiving, then it is important to agree up front. For some people treating others is something they love to do and some people love receiving those gifts. For others it can lead to a feeling of being indebted to the other person or create an unbalanced relationship, where someone holds the power of money over the other. So make sure you communicate clearly and often about what you are comfortable with spending!
Remember those free or low-cost activities I hinted at before? Here are some suggestions: walk in the park, through a neighborhood with unique architecture, a historic area of the city; join in a free dance class; enjoy cooking demonstrations together; or find a theater with discount movie nights.
Men vs Women
Before I go into detail about this section, I would like to recognize that not all dating couples are heterosexual and I work hard to write to all groups of daters. However, there are specific points to be made regarding gender norms in heterosexual dating situations and I would like to use this space to touch on those norms.
I was recently introduced, more reminded, of a different viewpoint than mine regarding who should pay on dates. For many men, it is their education, culture or belief that they should be paying for everything on the date. Much of the basis for this is rooted in the desire to show one’s ability to care for or provide for a mate–the man with the most meat from the hunt is better able to support the woman and children. In current times, the meat is traded for money and essentially proves the same point. The other norms this behavior touches upon is that if the relationship progresses, the woman will be working in the home raising the children, not working in a job and making money.
You may be able to read between the lines and see that I am not exactly jumping for joy about these ideas. I find it hard as a feminist to write that the man’s role is to pay and the woman’s role is to be cared for. Just because these roles do not agree with my beliefs, does not make this model of dating wrong. For many people, this is what their relationships will look like and no one is hurt or upset about the roles that they play. In these cases, if the male wants to pay for everything, the female is accepting of this dynamic and they both have a clear understanding of how each will contribute to the dating relationship, then they may find success in that relationship.
A final point would be to switch the provider to the woman and the cared for to a man or to disregard gender identities altogether–essentially, a dynamic where one person pays for everything and the other is cared for in the relationship. Whatever relationships model you are in or want to be involved in, I encourage everyone in the relationship to talk about and have a clear idea of how the money is being spent.
Going Dutch
My preferred method of payment on a date is when each person pays for their half of the bill. This method appeals to my desire for equal footing in a relationship and money can be a great divider of power, so why not start out with no one person having monetary power over the other. As with any decision about payment, it is important to make this suggestion before the date so that everyone is on the same page. Maybe it is easier if one person pays for dinner and the other pays for the movie tickets. Depending on where you eat, this may not be completely equal but you can both agree to change it up on the next date! Another option is to take turns paying fully for each date and using these opportunities to treat the other person to your favorite restaurant or activity.
However you pay for dates, the bottom line is to communicate beforehand with the other person so that you can both enjoy the moment you are in, instead of worrying about the cost or what will happen when the wait staff brings the bill.
Steps to Using a Condom Correctly
February 10, 2012
I’ve not been blogging because I couldn’t think of anything to write without a specific question to guide me. And then I remembered that my head is full of questions that come up all the time and I should stop hoarding the answers in my head and put them on the blog, duh! The whole purpose of Sex In Your Ear, beyond the eventual planned podcast space, is to share information!
The steps to using a condom correctly is one of my favorite pieces of information to share, partially because folks seem to be surprised when I list off more steps than they were expecting. Also, it is fundamental information, in my opinion, to protecting against STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and/or pregnancy. Condoms are one of the most accessible forms of protection available - cheap or free, no ID required to buy them, no doctor’s visit necessary, and they can be found in bathrooms, pharmacies, grocery stores, clinics, sex shops…so many more places than dental dams, female condoms, even latex gloves, hormonal or non-hormonal birth control! I’m getting a little sidetracked – moving on.
Steps to Using a Condom Correctly
(Note: These steps are referencing male condoms but are pretty much the same for female condoms with a few adjustments.)
- Checking the box and condom wrapper for the expiration date and for a lot number. Expired condoms will likely break because well, they’re expired! A lot number proves that the condoms were part of a batch that was tested as opposed to condoms that are sold as gag gifts or jokes that are not meant to be used as protection – more likely to be found in specialty stores or bathrooms.
- Gently squeeze the condom wrapper between your fingers to check for an air bubble. If the wrapper is flat or deflated it may have a hole in it meaning the condom could be damaged as well. This can be because someone poked a hole in the condom (yikes!) or it’s been in your wallet too long. Storing your condoms in a safe and comfortable space can help them have a happier shelf life – avoid extreme temperatures and physical abuse. One night in your wallet probably isn’t going to do much damage but more than that will be too much for the condom to handle. Try your pocket instead and the box would love to be in a drawer rather than the glove box of your car.
- Opening the package gently with your fingers is key. Avoid using your teeth, knives, and if you are sporting long fingernails be especially careful. Condoms are tough but fragile when mishandled. If you have lube or other slippery substances (*eyebrow waggle) on your fingers, opening a condom packet can be especially frustrating; and of course, there is the sense of urgency! Take a deep breath and remember that this piece of latex/polyurethane/lambskin wants to protect you and your partner(s) and taking an extra few seconds to do this part right is worth it, every time.
- Which way does the condom roll? Hold the tip of the condom and start to unroll it to help you figure out which way to put it on. This can be done without the condom ever touching the penis or dildo/vibrator/cucumber and you don’t even have to unroll it very far. If you have placed it on the penis or toy the wrong way and you decide to flip it over and just try again, know that you have exposed the exterior of the condom to any fluids that may have been on the penis/toy defeating the purpose of using a condom in the first place. Chuck it and start over.
- Lube, lube and more lube! Now is the time to drop some lube in and on the condom and on the penis/toy to not only protect the condom but to also increase sensation for all involved! Certain condoms need certain lubes: latex condoms can be used with water-based or silicon-based lubes. DO NOT use oil-based lubes with latex condoms, ever. The oil degrades the latex, weakening it and causing it to eventually break. Polyurethane condoms can be used with any type of lube – water, silicon or oil.
- Rollin’! Rollin’ on the shaft! And don’t forget to pinch the tip. Holding the tip of the condom, known as the reservoir, place the condom on the penis/toy and roll it all the way to the base. The idea is to cover as much of the shaft as possible, to prevent exposure and slippage, which can lead to spillage.
- Do it. Whatever “it” you’ll be engaging in – vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex with a penis or toy or vegetable. And while you are doing it make sure to…
- Check the condom. While pumping, thrusting, rubbing, sucking, or grinding away make sure to touch base (ha!) with the condom. Make sure it is still rolled to the base of the shaft and isn’t sliding or rolling back up.
- Hold on to the condom. All done? Great! Before withdrawing the penis/toy hold onto the base of the condom so that it does not slide off the shaft. This is a simple and easy step that can prevent a major fishing expedition and/or a trip to the emergency room. A special note for penises, after ejaculation the penis goes from erect to flaccid pretty quickly so don’t linger too long, even if it is all warm and cozy.
- Removal and disposal of the condom. Removing a condom from a penis can get messy, especially if it is a tight fit and the penis is still erect, roll and tug away from your partner(s) so you aren’t splashing them with any fluids (this is just respectful). You can tie it a knot or tie it in a bow but don’t throw it over your shoulder. Throw it into a trash bin and avoid flushing it down the toilet as most plumbing doesn’t agree with condoms.
- Ready for round 2, 3, 4, 10? Use a new condom for each separate sexual behavior. Reusing condoms stresses them out and lowers their effectiveness. Also, different sexual behaviors i.e. anal sex and vaginal sex, should not be mixed together to prevent infections.
Other Tips and Tricks
Types of condoms - There are male condoms and female condoms. Female condoms are made of polyurethane and a bit more expensive and harder to find than male condoms. There are lambskin condoms, latex condoms, and polyurethane condoms. Lambskin condoms are more porous than latex or polyurethane and are recommended for pregnancy prevention and not for STI protection. Latex condoms are the most common and cheapest type of condom. Polyurethane condoms are thinner for more sensation and more expensive. There are a variety of sizes in condoms (see info below).
Sizing - Using the right size condom for your penis or toy helps to prevent slippage, breakage, and/or spillage. You may need to try a variety of brands of condoms until you find one that works for you.
No dental dam, no worries! - Condoms can be cut up the middle and used as a dental dam to protect during oral sex, rimming – any behavior where the mouth will be touching a person’s genitals or anus.
Did I talk about something that you’ve never heard of or want more clarification on? Follow the Ask Erin tab to an anonymous form to ask me any questions. I will post answers to the blog and if you want a direct answer feel free to include your email address!